You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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