im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
