I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
