Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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