So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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