Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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