sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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