u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
