Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
