I'm gonna have a badass scar
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
