i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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