May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think a kid would responsible me up
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
