Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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