if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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