Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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