I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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