you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
