SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
