I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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