Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
