I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
