im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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