My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
