theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
