she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
