and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
