Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
