There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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