Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
