I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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