I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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