I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
