The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
