So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
