You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
