I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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