My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
