my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
