I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
