Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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