I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
