I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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