im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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