Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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