Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
