At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
