the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
