My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
