I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
