So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You can't just leave with hair like that
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
